Two Years + 6 Months

After I asked for a smile, I got this face.

* Chit chats all the time. I love to hear all the new things he says. * Still refuses to tell me when he has to go to the potty, but I can tell when he has to go. He'll hide in the corner or bend himself over a piece of furniture. Best visual this month was when we were at Chick-fil-a and he started bending over the chair and the playground equipment because he had to go #2. Needless to say, we quickly left. * Started saying "No Devin" instead of "No Daddy". * Has a new sitter. So far, he loves it. Lots of time spent outside playing with more kids his age. * Is obsessed with his cousin Tristen. Lately he'll ask to see TT when I pick him up from the sitter. When we arrive at our house, he'll start crying because we didn't go to her house. * Has selective hearing and only hears what he wants in a conversation. For example, eat some dinner and I'll give you a cookie. Cookie is the only thing he hears or We'll go see TT tomorrow. He only hears TT and is upset that we can't see her today. * Is a huge Taylor Swift fan. Loves the song We Are Never Getting Back Together. His new dancing technique includes lots of hand and face gestures. It's hilarious. * Super Why is his new favorite show. It's on PBS and features superheros that save the day through reading and spelling. * Has the most dramatic facial expressions. Love to see how it changes with his different emotions. * Love love loves to look at himself in the mirror, especially when he's doing different things like brushing his teeth and washing his hands. *  Interested in reading books. We've been reading the beginning Dr. Seuss books together and he's getting some new ones for Christmas. * Still fascinated about Halloween. Anytime he sees a fall wreath or a pumpkin, it's Halloween. *

Afternoon Yo Gabba Gabba time. I'll only wear a silly orange hat for this kid.

With Mum and Al in town for Thanksgiving, we were able to spend the long weekend together. We went black friday shopping, watched tons of movies, got Mum prepared for her trip to France, and went to the Tempe Fantasy of Lights Parade. It was our first year going and Zander loved seeing all the lights and Santa. We weren't as impressed, but enjoyed our first Christmas festivity together.

This kid kills me with how cute he is.

Thankful

Today we are thankful. 

Thankful for each other.

Thankful for our families. Thankful for our friends.

 Thankful for our Savior Jesus Christ.

Thankful for the restored gospel of Jesus Christ.

Thankful for turkey and the fact that we never have to cook on holidays.

Thankful for Thanksgiving traditions.

The phone is way more important than keeping warm.

Another Year Older and Wiser

Free birthday breakfast at Joe's Farm Grill

Birthday shopping. I was spoiled.

I'm 29. Saying that number makes me feel old even though I know that it's really not that old. Perhaps it's the fact that I'm 29, Mormon, and only have 1 kid. Definitely not the norm when I have college classmates that have had 5 kids by this age. I've always been considered the young one in the group. In high school, everyone was a year older than me which made me jealous when it came to milestones (i.e. getting a drivers license) as I had to wait a lot longer than everyone else. When I graduated college, I was also the young one. 21 years old with a 4 year degree under my belt and my whole life ahead of me. Now I feel like the old lady, especially at work. Hearing people talk about graduating college in 2009 and 2010. Geeze. That was like yesterday.

With 365 days until I reach the big 3 - 0, I'm going to make this last year of my 20's the best. I may be an old lady, but I'm a happy old lady and that's all that matters. I've never been happier with my best friend by my side and the most incredible 2 year old who calls me his mama.

Amazing Jakes

We went to Amazing Jakes with the Kietas and Clawsons. A tell tale sign you have kids when your date nights include a Chuck-E-Cheese type place and you are ok with it.

The kids absolutely loved it. There were some rides for the little ones and they even ended up sneaking on the roller coaster (term used loosely). Zander loved running around to all the video games and the best part was that it was free fun. He didn't care that he was actually playing the game, but rather liked pretending to drive the car or motorcyle.

Time for Christmas jammies

The last week has been hard. After I found out the sad news, I didn't really want to see or talk to anyone. I communicated to everyone through text message as I knew I couldn't get through a conversation without crying. I didn't go to work the day after as I wasn't ready to face everyone and to top it off there was a baby shower celebration. I definitely wasn't ready for that. For two days, I spent a lot of time curled up in bed, crying, and watching tv with Zander. The hardest thing about this week was knowing that the baby was still inside and there was nothing that I could do to change it. Our three options were to: 1) naturally miscarry 2) take a pill to force a miscarriage 3) d&c. I wasn't prepared to make a decision right away so we thought that we'd wait a week and see what happened. Those 5 days felt so long as we waited for the time that I'd start to feel cramps and miscarry the baby that we were so excited about. When it came time for my follow up appointment, there were no changes in my condition. I had to choose between option 2 and 3. While neither sounded great, I chose the d&c which was scheduled two days afterwards.
The morning of the surgery, I was so nervous and my emotions were right on the surface. Healing physically and healing emotionally are two different things.  This ended my physical healing and soon I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. I was alone when I changed into the gown and the nurses prepped me for surgery. I couldn't help but cry as the nurse asked if everything was ok. This made things final and it was starting to sink in.  The pictures above are the ones I sent to Devin before he was allowed into the pre-op area.  I was trying to put on a brave face, but clearly you can see the puffy eyes. Everything ended up being fine and I'm so happy in my decision to choose this route. So far my recovery has been really easy and I'm ready to continue my journey of emotional healing.

Today was going to be an exciting day. I was supposed to write about being 9 weeks pregnant. I was going to share our experience at our first OB appointment and what these next 8 months would bring. I was going to reveal our first glimpse at our little peanut and decide what features resembled Devin's or mine. Instead of being excited, I sit here with a sad heart. During our first ultrasound we found out that our baby stopped growing about two weeks ago and that there was no heart beat.

Two weeks ago I felt nauseous all day. It was miserable, but it only lasted about four days. After that it was better and the nausea was here and there. I still felt hungry all the time. I still had to pee all the time. I was still tired all the time. I didn't have any alerting symptoms of having a miscarriage, but my thoughts over the last two weeks thought about my ultrasound. For some reason, I kept thinking of sitting there during the ultrasound to only find out that there wasn't a baby in there. Definitely a strange thing to have in my thoughts and nothing I ever thought about when I was pregnant with Zander. Somehow in a way, I think in my heart that I already knew but I didn't want to believe it. I told this to several people, including my sister, who tried to assure me that it wasn't going to be the case. I hoped it wasn't going to be the case, but as soon as they pulled up the picture I knew something wasn't right.

With Zander's first ultrasound, it was so obvious. There he was. While little, the form of a baby. This time I didn't see that. The ultrasound tech went from being chatty to being silent. She tried to get measurements and a clear picture. She tried to get a heartbeat, but we only saw a horrible straight line with no sign of life. While we already knew what she was going to say, it was hard to hear the truth.

After the appointment, I just cried. My thoughts went to my first miscarriage which happened in 2007. While it happened early on in the pregnancy as well, it still happened and now it was happening again. While I know I can get pregnant easily and have a baby, will we have to face struggles with miscarriages in the future? I find peace in knowing that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. There was nothing I did wrong during this pregnancy and I couldn't have prevented this. Some time in the future, I will have the opportunity to be pregnant again and we will be able to welcome home a healthy baby into our family.

Right now I know it's ok to be sad. I'm taking in all the love and support from our family, friends, and coworkers. I'm loving all the extra cuddles and kisses from Zander. I appreciate the comfort, optimism, and love from my husband. Today has been a little easier then yesterday and I know with each passing day it will only get better.