MERRILL

Today was going to be an exciting day. I was supposed to write about being 9 weeks pregnant. I was going to share our experience at our first OB appointment and what these next 8 months would bring. I was going to reveal our first glimpse at our little peanut and decide what features resembled Devin's or mine. Instead of being excited, I sit here with a sad heart. During our first ultrasound we found out that our baby stopped growing about two weeks ago and that there was no heart beat.

Two weeks ago I felt nauseous all day. It was miserable, but it only lasted about four days. After that it was better and the nausea was here and there. I still felt hungry all the time. I still had to pee all the time. I was still tired all the time. I didn't have any alerting symptoms of having a miscarriage, but my thoughts over the last two weeks thought about my ultrasound. For some reason, I kept thinking of sitting there during the ultrasound to only find out that there wasn't a baby in there. Definitely a strange thing to have in my thoughts and nothing I ever thought about when I was pregnant with Zander. Somehow in a way, I think in my heart that I already knew but I didn't want to believe it. I told this to several people, including my sister, who tried to assure me that it wasn't going to be the case. I hoped it wasn't going to be the case, but as soon as they pulled up the picture I knew something wasn't right.

With Zander's first ultrasound, it was so obvious. There he was. While little, the form of a baby. This time I didn't see that. The ultrasound tech went from being chatty to being silent. She tried to get measurements and a clear picture. She tried to get a heartbeat, but we only saw a horrible straight line with no sign of life. While we already knew what she was going to say, it was hard to hear the truth.

After the appointment, I just cried. My thoughts went to my first miscarriage which happened in 2007. While it happened early on in the pregnancy as well, it still happened and now it was happening again. While I know I can get pregnant easily and have a baby, will we have to face struggles with miscarriages in the future? I find peace in knowing that Heavenly Father has a plan for me and my family. There was nothing I did wrong during this pregnancy and I couldn't have prevented this. Some time in the future, I will have the opportunity to be pregnant again and we will be able to welcome home a healthy baby into our family.

Right now I know it's ok to be sad. I'm taking in all the love and support from our family, friends, and coworkers. I'm loving all the extra cuddles and kisses from Zander. I appreciate the comfort, optimism, and love from my husband. Today has been a little easier then yesterday and I know with each passing day it will only get better.