MERRILL

The last week has been hard. After I found out the sad news, I didn't really want to see or talk to anyone. I communicated to everyone through text message as I knew I couldn't get through a conversation without crying. I didn't go to work the day after as I wasn't ready to face everyone and to top it off there was a baby shower celebration. I definitely wasn't ready for that. For two days, I spent a lot of time curled up in bed, crying, and watching tv with Zander. The hardest thing about this week was knowing that the baby was still inside and there was nothing that I could do to change it. Our three options were to: 1) naturally miscarry 2) take a pill to force a miscarriage 3) d&c. I wasn't prepared to make a decision right away so we thought that we'd wait a week and see what happened. Those 5 days felt so long as we waited for the time that I'd start to feel cramps and miscarry the baby that we were so excited about. When it came time for my follow up appointment, there were no changes in my condition. I had to choose between option 2 and 3. While neither sounded great, I chose the d&c which was scheduled two days afterwards.
The morning of the surgery, I was so nervous and my emotions were right on the surface. Healing physically and healing emotionally are two different things.  This ended my physical healing and soon I wouldn't be pregnant anymore. I was alone when I changed into the gown and the nurses prepped me for surgery. I couldn't help but cry as the nurse asked if everything was ok. This made things final and it was starting to sink in.  The pictures above are the ones I sent to Devin before he was allowed into the pre-op area.  I was trying to put on a brave face, but clearly you can see the puffy eyes. Everything ended up being fine and I'm so happy in my decision to choose this route. So far my recovery has been really easy and I'm ready to continue my journey of emotional healing.